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Grip, stance, swing, follow through. I don't teach you to hit it far. I teach you to hit it straight. Consistency beats distance every time. Just like Albert Kenel said: do it right or don't do it. Clubs provided.

The strum that changed the world hits on the upbeat. That's it. That's the secret. But making it groove -- that's what we'll work on. I'll teach you the skank, the one-drop rhythm, and how to make three chords feel like freedom.

I don't teach you to play like me. I teach you to play like YOU. We work on embouchure, breathing, and most importantly -- phrasing. Phrasing is how you tell a story with notes. Anyone can play the right notes. The question is: can you make them mean something?

Learn to write music that makes bodies move. I'll teach you orchestral color -- how a celesta sounds like falling snow, how a bassoon sounds like a grandfather clock. We score a dance scene from scratch.

A beat-up upright that sounds like Saturday night in Louisiana. Not a concert instrument. A PARTY instrument. Great Balls of Fire was never played on a Steinway. It was played on a piano like this, with the sustain pedal stuck and the lid wide open.

The New Orleans piano style: rolling left hand, triplet feel, second-line rhythm. I'll teach you Blueberry Hill and Ain't That a Shame. Creole cooking playlist included because you can't play this music hungry.

Learn to decompose problems into repeatable steps. We start with simple sequences, add loops, add conditionals, and build up to something that could compute Bernoulli numbers -- the algorithm I wrote in 1843. Paper and pencil only. No computers. The machine is not the point. The pattern is the point.

I don't teach technique. I teach seeing. We go outside, we look at the sky, and I show you that it's not blue -- it's cobalt and ultramarine and violet and green, swirling. The color is the feeling. The brushstroke is the heartbeat. If your painting looks like a photograph, you're not painting -- you're copying.

I'll teach you to paint a face that looks like a person, not a photograph. We work in oil on canvas, natural light from one window. The secret isn't technique -- it's empathy. You have to love the face you're painting, even the ugly ones. Especially the ugly ones.

Tabletop intaglio press for etching, drypoint, and aquatint. Adjustable pressure, steel rollers. I produced 300 etchings on a press like this. Print editions of your drawings, or learn the process from scratch.

Complete camp kitchen: 2-burner stove, 4-person cookware set, utensils, cutting board, collapsible wash basin, water container (20L), and fold-out kitchen table with windscreen. Cook like home, outdoors.

2400W wallpaper steamer with 3.5m hose and large plate. Plus scoring tool, scraper set, smoothing brush, and seam roller. Everything to strip old wallpaper and hang new. Strips a room in 2 hours.