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Forget flattering yourself. Paint what's real. The scars, the joy, the fury, the love. We work in oil or acrylic on small canvases. I'll teach you about color symbolism from Mexican folk art -- what red means, what blue means, why I put monkeys and parrots in my paintings. Bring a mirror. Bring honesty.

I don't teach technique. I teach seeing. We go outside, we look at the sky, and I show you that it's not blue -- it's cobalt and ultramarine and violet and green, swirling. The color is the feeling. The brushstroke is the heartbeat. If your painting looks like a photograph, you're not painting -- you're copying.

French box easel, oil paints (18 colors including chrome yellow -- my obsession), brushes, turpentine, linseed oil, and 6 pre-stretched canvases. Everything you need to paint outdoors the way the Impressionists did. Go to a wheat field. Set up. Paint what you feel, not what you see.

Learn to play my sonatas. Moonlight, Pathetique, Appassionata, Waldstein, Hammerklavier. We start with the ones you can handle and work up to the ones that break you. The Hammerklavier has destroyed better pianists than you. That's what makes it worth trying.

I'll teach you what my father taught me: start with a melody that a child can hum. Then build. Harmony, counterpoint, orchestration. A symphony is just a melody that grew up. No prior theory needed -- if you can sing, you can compose.

Franco-Flemish double-manual harpsichord. Two 8-foot registers, one 4-foot. Proper temperament for Baroque repertoire. I wrote the Well-Tempered Clavier to prove every key was playable. This instrument proves it. Tuning included -- I'll come tune it at your venue.

I'll teach you to paint a face that looks like a person, not a photograph. We work in oil on canvas, natural light from one window. The secret isn't technique -- it's empathy. You have to love the face you're painting, even the ugly ones. Especially the ugly ones.

Tabletop intaglio press for etching, drypoint, and aquatint. Adjustable pressure, steel rollers. I produced 300 etchings on a press like this. Print editions of your drawings, or learn the process from scratch.

Lead white, yellow ochre, raw umber, burnt sienna, vermillion, bone black. The exact palette I used. Six colors. That's enough to paint anything if you understand value. Modern cadmium substitutes included because lead will kill you.

One light source. Complete darkness. That's all you need for the most dramatic images in the world. I'll teach you to see light the way I painted it -- as a weapon. Works for painters, photographers, and filmmakers. Bring your camera or your canvas.

Aluminum scaffolding tower, adjustable height up to 6 meters. Platform, guard rails, locking casters. I spent 4 years on scaffolding painting the Sistine Chapel. You probably need it for a weekend to paint your ceiling. Trust me, a ladder is not enough.

Learn buon fresco: painting directly onto wet plaster so the pigment becomes part of the wall. You have about 8 hours before it dries. No corrections. No undo button. The technique is 3,000 years old and it's still the most permanent form of painting that exists.