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A print of one of my rats. Signed. Or is it? That's the question with everything I make. Authentication in the art world is a racket. This print is real if you believe it's real. Isn't that how all art works? Comes with a certificate of ambiguity.

Mylar sheets, precision craft knife, self-healing cutting mat, spray paint adaptor for even coverage. Everything you need to make multi-layer stencils that look like they were screenprinted. Also includes a hoodie. You'll need the hoodie.

I'll teach you to cut stencils, mix paint ratios, and get your message up in under sixty seconds. The art is in the preparation -- the execution takes less time than a traffic light. We practice on canvas first. What you do after that is your business. I never saw you. You were never here.

Afrobeat songs last forty-five minutes because that's how long it takes to reach transcendence. I'll teach you the interlocking rhythms -- drums, percussion, bass, guitar, horns -- that create the groove. Everyone plays a pattern. Nobody plays the whole thing. Together, you are unstoppable.

We write stories that are puzzles. Stories where the form IS the content. A detective story that is also a metaphysical treatise. A book review of a book that doesn't exist. I'll teach you to write fiction that makes the reader think they are dreaming while fully awake.

I play in fifty different tunings because standard tuning bored me. I'll teach you DADGAD, open D, open C, and my own tunings that don't have names. Different tunings make the guitar a different instrument. One guitar, fifty voices.

The essay is the most dangerous literary form because it requires you to think clearly and say what you mean. No hiding behind characters. No hiding behind metaphor. Just you and the truth and the page. I'll teach you to write sentences that change the temperature in the room.

Full set: driver, 3-wood, 5-wood, 4-PW irons, sand wedge, putter. Bag with stand included. Good enough to play 18 holes, not so expensive you cry when you shank one into the lake. Return them clean.

Grip, stance, swing, follow through. I don't teach you to hit it far. I teach you to hit it straight. Consistency beats distance every time. Just like Albert Kenel said: do it right or don't do it. Clubs provided.

Kubota KX91-3, 3.5 ton mini excavator. Rubber tracks, extendable arm, multiple bucket sizes. Perfect for residential foundations, pool digs, drainage work. I'll deliver it and show you the controls. Break something? Call me. I'll fix it.

Plumbing, electrical, mechanical, whatever. I've been fixing things since I could hold a wrench. Albert Kenel taught me: don't stare at it, fix it. Bring the broken thing. I'll tell you what's wrong in thirty seconds and fix it in thirty minutes.

I'll teach you to rewrite. And rewrite. And rewrite. Hallelujah took eighty drafts. That's not failure. That's craft. We start with a feeling, turn it into an image, then carve it into a verse. Bring patience. This is a slow art.