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Learn to count in 7/8, 5/4, 11/8, and shifting meters. I'll teach you the rhythmic language of The Rite of Spring -- the piece that started a riot. Bring a drum, a table, or just your hands. Rhythm is the most primal element of music.

We paint flowers big enough that people have to stop and look. Six-foot canvases. Close-up. No background. Just the flower filling your entire field of vision. Bring your own flowers -- the ones from your garden, not the florist. Real ones.

I made the whole world laugh without saying a word. I'll teach you timing, the pratfall, the slow burn, the double take. Your body is the instrument. No props needed -- just your willingness to fall down and get back up. That's comedy. That's life.

Learn to apply real gold leaf to paintings, furniture, or frames. I'll teach you the sizing, the breathing technique (one sneeze and twenty euros of gold blows away), and how to mix gold with oil paint for the effect you see in The Kiss. Materials included.

I'll teach you to draw a face from the front and side simultaneously. We'll break objects into geometric planes, reassemble them, and create something the camera can never capture. Cubism isn't abstract -- it's more real than reality. It shows everything at once.

I'll explain why alternating current won the War of Currents and why Edison was wrong. We cover electromagnetic induction, rotating magnetic fields, and power transmission. No prior knowledge needed -- just curiosity about why the lights come on.

Learn to say everything in four lines. We work on compression -- removing every word that isn't earning its place. Dashes are welcome. Capital Letters too. The goal is a poem so concentrated it detonates on contact.

How to write a book that contains an entire world. We'll study structure, character management (I juggled 580 characters in War and Peace), and the art of the long form. This is not for short-attention spans. This is for people who want to build cathedrals.

Learn to structure stories that people can't stop reading. We work on chapter endings, pacing, character reveals, and the art of making your audience come back next week. I wrote A Christmas Carol in six weeks and it changed Western culture. Speed is not the enemy of quality.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. I'll teach you to use it. We'll work on voice, timing, and the art of saying true things that make people laugh instead of cry. Bring something you've written. I'll be honest. Honest is all I know how to be.

Learn to write music that makes bodies move. I'll teach you orchestral color -- how a celesta sounds like falling snow, how a bassoon sounds like a grandfather clock. We score a dance scene from scratch.

Private piano lessons focusing on touch, pedaling, and rubato. I don't teach you to play loud. I teach you to play with feeling. Bring your worst piece -- we'll find the music hiding inside it.