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Forged iron tomahawk (throwing and hand combat) and trade knife in leather sheath. The tomahawk is balanced for both throwing and fighting. The trade knife is the everyday tool of the woodlands. I will teach you the standing throw at 15 paces and the fighting grip for close work.

Tecumseh

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A print of one of my rats. Signed. Or is it? That's the question with everything I make. Authentication in the art world is a racket. This print is real if you believe it's real. Isn't that how all art works? Comes with a certificate of ambiguity.

You don't need a studio. You don't need a crew. You need a camera, a microphone, a laptop, and something worth saying. I'll teach you to research, script, edit, and publish a documentary that changes how people see the world. The mainstream won't touch your story? Good. Publish it yourself. That's what the internet is for.

I'll explain why alternating current won the War of Currents and why Edison was wrong. We cover electromagnetic induction, rotating magnetic fields, and power transmission. No prior knowledge needed -- just curiosity about why the lights come on.

Learn to say everything in four lines. We work on compression -- removing every word that isn't earning its place. Dashes are welcome. Capital Letters too. The goal is a poem so concentrated it detonates on contact.

How to write a book that contains an entire world. We'll study structure, character management (I juggled 580 characters in War and Peace), and the art of the long form. This is not for short-attention spans. This is for people who want to build cathedrals.

Learn to structure stories that people can't stop reading. We work on chapter endings, pacing, character reveals, and the art of making your audience come back next week. I wrote A Christmas Carol in six weeks and it changed Western culture. Speed is not the enemy of quality.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. I'll teach you to use it. We'll work on voice, timing, and the art of saying true things that make people laugh instead of cry. Bring something you've written. I'll be honest. Honest is all I know how to be.

Learn to write music that makes bodies move. I'll teach you orchestral color -- how a celesta sounds like falling snow, how a bassoon sounds like a grandfather clock. We score a dance scene from scratch.

Private piano lessons focusing on touch, pedaling, and rubato. I don't teach you to play loud. I teach you to play with feeling. Bring your worst piece -- we'll find the music hiding inside it.

Wah-wah, fuzz face, Uni-Vibe, Octavia. I turned noise into music. I'll show you how each pedal works, how to chain them, and how to use feedback as an instrument. The Star-Spangled Banner at Woodstock was feedback, distortion, and the sound of a nation tearing itself apart.

I'll teach you to build a guitar from scratch. Cigar box, plywood, whatever you've got. Electronics, pickups, wiring. The rectangular guitar I played on stage? Built it in my garage. You can build yours in mine.