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I made the whole world laugh without saying a word. I'll teach you timing, the pratfall, the slow burn, the double take. Your body is the instrument. No props needed -- just your willingness to fall down and get back up. That's comedy. That's life.

We paint flowers big enough that people have to stop and look. Six-foot canvases. Close-up. No background. Just the flower filling your entire field of vision. Bring your own flowers -- the ones from your garden, not the florist. Real ones.

I'll teach you to create a character you can perform as -- costume, voice, attitude, mythology. Then we'll retire that character and build another one. The point isn't the mask. The point is the freedom the mask gives you to be truthful.

We will take your sentences apart and rebuild them. A sentence is not just communication. It is music, rhythm, architecture. Every word earns its place or it leaves. I edited for twenty years before I published. Bring your best paragraph. We'll find out if it's really your best.

Write the impossible as if it were the most natural thing in the world. That's the technique. No winking at the reader. No 'this is strange.' Just: 'It rained for four years, eleven months, and two days.' Stated as fact. Because in Macondo, it is. Bring a family story that nobody believes. We'll turn it into literature.

Everyone has a story that needs telling. I went mute for five years and then I couldn't stop talking. We'll work on memory, honesty, and the courage to write the parts that scare you. Those are the parts that matter. Bring nothing but yourself and something to write with.

Visit my collection of retablos, ex-votos, and Judas figures. Then paint your own retablo -- a small tin painting of a miracle or survival. In Mexico, we thank the saints by painting what they saved us from. What has life saved you from? Paint that.

The essay is the most dangerous literary form because it requires you to think clearly and say what you mean. No hiding behind characters. No hiding behind metaphor. Just you and the truth and the page. I'll teach you to write sentences that change the temperature in the room.

We write stories that are puzzles. Stories where the form IS the content. A detective story that is also a metaphysical treatise. A book review of a book that doesn't exist. I'll teach you to write fiction that makes the reader think they are dreaming while fully awake.

I'll teach you to cut stencils, mix paint ratios, and get your message up in under sixty seconds. The art is in the preparation -- the execution takes less time than a traffic light. We practice on canvas first. What you do after that is your business. I never saw you. You were never here.

Mylar sheets, precision craft knife, self-healing cutting mat, spray paint adaptor for even coverage. Everything you need to make multi-layer stencils that look like they were screenprinted. Also includes a hoodie. You'll need the hoodie.

A print of one of my rats. Signed. Or is it? That's the question with everything I make. Authentication in the art world is a racket. This print is real if you believe it's real. Isn't that how all art works? Comes with a certificate of ambiguity.